How Will I Know?

Randy and me taking a selfie before selfies were a thing.. 1987

Our little family at my grandparents home... 1987

Randy, Ramie and I in Galveston... 2001.

Randy and I in Nebraska City... 2005.

Sammy giving me the finger... 2006.

​            My friend Leila, who happens to be the current executive director of Keep Fremont Beautiful, stops by the house every so often, to visit about the organization and to get caught up on what is happening in our lives.    
            Her most recent visit happened just a few days after I had gone to my oldest daughters’ home for my birthday dinner celebration.  I had taken a ton of pictures and videos of the decorations and the family.  Our little Gracyn had entertained us throughout the evening with jokes and singing – she is quite the performer.
            Gracyn is my granddaughter who has muscular dystrophy.  Gracyn is beautiful, intelligent, talented, funny and fierce.  Leila was appropriately smitten with the videos of my adorable little granddaughter, as well as, the numerous pictures of the other magnificent grandchildren and the evenings activities.  
            Of course, the conversation led to topics concerning the sale of the book, the setting up of the special needs trust for Gracyn, creating the website for Oma Publishing and the writing and illustrating of the second book.  There was a lot to get her caught up on.
            I can’t remember exactly how the conversation went, but as it was winding down, Leila stated that she had never known my husband Randy but she imagined that I wished he was here to experience all of this with me.  
              I paused for a moment before answering Leila…  “I feel that he is here.  He is with me.”
 
            For those of you who don’t know, my husband Randy passed away in 2006 from brain cancer.  I have often talked to Leila about Randy and what a special man he was to me and our children.  I have told her stories of his strength, his wit and his intelligence. The man was a wonderful and loving person.  I miss him and always will but at the same time, I know he is here.
            During the last few weeks of Randy’s life, he entered hospice care.  It was much too difficult to provide the needed care for Randy in our home so we opted for a medical facility a few blocks from our house.  I had my son-in-law move our recliner into Randy’s room so I could stay with him day and night.  I rarely left his side as he slowly slipped away from me.    
             One day my Mom came in to the room.  She stood at the end of his bed.  I stood beside the bed.  I looked down and saw that Randy’s hand was resting on his chest.  I giggled because he was giving me the finger.  I didn’t think he would respond but I jokingly said “Hey Randy, you are giving my Mom the finger.”  He opened his eyes, raised his head to look at my Mom, picked up his hand and with a bit of a smirk gave my Mom a proper finger.  
            ​It was like – Hey how many times do I have left to give my mother-in-law the finger?  Mom and I both laughed as he rested once again. 
            Our oldest daughter Sara was pregnant during this time of hospice for Randy.  She would come visit and sit by his bed – his hand resting on her baby bump.  He had told her he would live to hold his grandson. He had told me that he would beat the cancer inside his head.  We were heart broken as the cancer continued to take its toll.  
             I prayed, I cried and I worried during those days in hospice.  I told Randy over and over how much I loved him and how I knew that he would be watching over us.  I pleaded with him to give me a sign so I would know that he was with me after he was gone.  
            On January 31st, I nodded off to sleep holding Randy’s hand through the guard rail.  I awoke suddenly with a warm sensation throughout my body, I couldn’t move, the warmth faded, the paralysis ended and I knew that Randy had passed on.   I appreciated the warm good-bye and hoped that I would receive a sign of his presence in the future.  
            That was in January of 2006.  Fast forward to April of 2006 and the birth of our first grandchild. Sara had wanted me in the delivery room and I was so honored to be present for the birth of dear Sam.  I was so completely delighted to get to hold that precious boy just moments after his birth.  As I gazed at his adorable little smirk, he laid his hand on his chest and gave me the finger. At that moment I realized that Randy was with us – all of us.  We were surrounded by the love of the most special man I have ever known.  
            Yes, Randy could be a tad irreverent but it was a perfect sign and I know he is with me still.